Well when i decided to write this blog it was supposed to be a insight in my thought process and ramblings both the good the bad and the ugly well we'll see how well this post is received in comparison to my others. Tonight like almost every night that i don't see my boyfriend which is nearly all the time except weekends basically we texted and he did his usual nit picking that i don't really love him that if someone rich and handsome came along i'd leave him that i was full of shit when i said he was cute the usual. He knows these things hurt me but blames his insecurities like thats his magic fix all to wipe away the hurt he feels i've always had a extreme loyalty with him we started off as best friends we've been friends for almost 3 years before we even started dating i'm open with him about everything i even switch with him and let him take the dominant role on occasion it's just lately i feel like i'm being punished for his insecurities not sure what to do at this point but a relationship whine isn't what i'm blogging for its the emotion it breaks loose in me.
I'm tired of nurturing him cooing in his ear that i love him blah blah blah quit fucking bitching already before i decide to take a swing at you, granted i admittedly have temper issues i usually reign it in but with valentines day coming up he's not making me feel special at all and all i wanted was a romantic weekend together so now instead i kinda want to beat him within and inch of his life just for the fun of it he wouldn't let me though a gentle tap on the ass is all he allows it seems since he's mostly vanilla. Ive been wanting to take it out on subs instead but i'm conflicted about those feelings yes partially i'd be doing it because i do have a sadistic streak and enjoy that side of the lifestyle as well but is my venting through corporeal punishment of another a abuse of power? some are masochistic and enjoy it i just feel conflicted sometimes about my wants and urges i guess even for lifestylers there are still some taboos
If i were to use someone for a beating tonight i'd be honest about the place it was coming from though in the pre scene interview but in all honesty sometimes i want to push limits a lot of subs fear things like knife and needle play and those are things i find interesting both from the submissive stand point and the dominant one. I've subbed before many times it is part of who i am even though i don't consider myself a switch i've been in the subspace that things like bondage tasks and pain can bring that release of stress that clear headedness that deep inner part of you breathing deeply in a sigh as you shrug off your stress and inhibitions i also believe that there is a reverse of that a domspace for lack of a better word that the causing of pain or giving of tasks controlling your sex etc gives me makes me feel like i control another creature that your some little bunny in a cage that i could poke the bunny or pet the bunny based off my mood that freedom of control that putting all my stresses out on you is freeing.
i think thats really all i should rant about for now since it's 1:30 in the morning and the only thing that would get me out of this mood right now would be some subbie abuse or shopping therapy and i doubt either is in store for me tonight so as always heres my wishlist buy me something if you wanna help rid me of my mood
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