Normally I don't delve this deep into my personal life in public as I'm
doing, but I think it may prove cathartic to do so, given all the recent
events in my life. This is going to be less about me as a Domme and
more about me as a person. The real Lolita. (not really my real name but
I give it out to few as I've had stalkers, which is no fun) This year
has been an exceedingly tough one. I've gained and lost so much that my
world seems ever changing, and as of late, in the worst way possible.
The beginning of the year my family took in my sister once again. To
say my relationship with my sister is complicated is an understatement.
When my sister turned 18 she ran off with a man she met on the
internet, who she had known for 2 weeks, telling everyone I was a
lesbian trying to rape her, getting physically violent with my mother
etc. Well after 3 years of physical abuse from this man, she returned
home only to burn my family once again. She met a man and they stayed
together for a year. He hit her, so in December she moved back in. At
first all was fine, especially given that she was shell shocked over her
breakup. She moved onto dating others, even began an interest in bdsm,
specifically findomme. I offered to take her under my wing and mentor
her. Bad idea. Soon, she got back with her ex and was trying to convince
my parents, who know all about my kink life etc, that i was a cam girl,
that I was doing illegal things like prostitution etc. So I ended up
having to defend myself. In the end they believed me and I didn't get
kicked out.
Well that day she moved out, later fighting with my mom trying to
get her committed. (now my mother isn't the best in the world. I did
have childhood abuse, but she didn't deserve that. But getting into that
would most likely require a small novel) All of that happened around
the time that the 1 year anniversary of my grandma dying happened, so it
gave my mother extra stress.
In February I had broken up with my boyfriend, or rather he left me,
due to fear of commitment, and communication issues. During that period
he and I stayed friends and both dated other people. Our friendship was
hard to stay like friends, as we're like magnets for each other, so
before long we got back together. But through my dating I had met a
friend, who became my best friend, and ended up dating my sister instead
of me until she left him for her ex. In the end, my boyfriend asked for
me back and we now wear each others promise rings. Well after a while
my friend ,"F", got kicked out. Actually his step dad punched him, so my
family took him in. Since he wasn't working we told him he could be a
ranch hand, to live their for free, all expenses included. Ugh bad idea.
He hardly ever did the work, when he did, he did it half-assed. He took
advantage of everything, constantly lied, hit part of our archway in
our driveway with his truck, and one day randomly moved out to move back
in with his mom. Well because of his immature behavior he got kicked
out once again, only this time my door wasn't sitting there waiting open
for him, so he moved back to his home state supposedly, though we've
been told that he has still been seen here. Most likely another lie on
his part. They come, they go, such is life.
"A" was my friend, she had been since my old role player days back
when I ran my own role player website (yes folks your in the presence of
a nerd queen). So I had known her since i was about 14 and she was 13.
She'd always had depression problems, was a quiet bookish girl, but had a
great sense of humor and was a very sweet girl. This year she moved
back in with her mom because she was having issues. She wouldn't talk
about it very much, and the last months of her life pretty much got
closed off to everyone, which makes me often wonder if she hadn't done
it on purpose? You see, what I didn't know is the reason she moved back
to her moms was she had gotten addicted to heroin and had a major
problem. I never would've guessed, in all honesty, I guess she was just a
good actress. Her mom came home from work to find she'd overdosed. The
paramedics were unable to revive her on the scene. I miss her dearly and
I hope wherever she is she's not sad anymore.
"J" was like a grandpa to me when we were first starting our farm
out here in Colorado. He showed up at my house to tell us what beautiful
horses we had. He was a good ole boy and I loved him like I loved my
own papa. (my papa on my moms side died is 2001 so i'd had a empty space
for years that he had kinda filled) He was always giving me big tight
squeeze hugs, picking on me for my tattoos and piercing, he even tried
to set me up with one of his sons once. He was the type of man who would
give you the shirt off his back if he could. I loved sitting and
listening to his stories, and even though he was half deaf he was the
biggest sweetheart. Early in the year he started having health problems.
Doctors thought it was cancer. He started selling off all his valuables
in case he died. When he started getting better (it wasn't cancer)
everyone was relieved. He was back to his normal vibrant self till he
had a small stroke. They flew him up to a Denver hospital, and sedated
him. (he didn't want to stay in the hospital, the stubborn old man he
was, every time they didn't sedate him he kept trying to leave) Within a
week of his small stroke he had a massive one and died that same night.
He was 79 or 82, depending on who you asked, him or his wife. I tend to
lean towards his wife's assessment of 82, as he was the type to have
lied about his age. He was a good man, and in a way, I'm glad he's at
rest so that no one would have to take care of him, he wouldn't want
that.
"E", the most recent sub, was one of my first subs. He was actually a
switch. He had a sub who would eventually become his wife who was also
my sub. I dommed them both and he dommed her. Once they got married,
they stopped serving me to focus on their marriage and we all stayed
friends. He had the sickest sense of humor ever, which matched mine.
We'd spend long periods of times exchanging dead baby jokes and abortion
jokes. (yes i have a morbid sense of humor) Last night, well early
morning depending on how you look at it, I got a call from his wife he
had gotten jack knifed at an intersection and was in a medically induced
coma with severe damage and a good chance of moderate to severe brain
damage and would need at least 4 surgeries if he made it, which it
wasn't looking good. This morning I woke up to feed horses, my usual
routine, checked my phone, she had texted me when I was sleeping that he
had passed away. He was a good man. I'll miss him and i feel terrible
for his wife losing him so abruptly.
Honesty is one of the biggest, most important qualities I look for
in subs. I don't believe in dishonesty in anyone. I hate lying and liars
in general. I've been known to get very close to my subs over time. One
sub in particular, (who I wont blacklist and lower to his level) I'll
just call him "C". He and I were friends who played occasionally and
eventually developed a serving relationship where he was being owned by
me. Well, within weeks of it, he decided to ditch out. Anyone who is
owned by me knows if their dismissed or released they give a final
tribute as part of our agreement of them serving, so when he released
himself without permission he was taxed for his final tribute. He was
reluctant as always and disappeared for a couple weeks before
reappearing to tribute his final tribute, but wanted to continue a
playful relationship. I told him that was fine but he couldn't keep
taking off when he owed me tribute, and that he would be treated once
again as a fly by night sub, instead of a regulated weekly tribute that
owned subs get, because he lost his ownership privileges. The last 3
times he was supposed to tribute he's lied, always coming back to tell
me how much he needs me etc, but I've told him until he sends what he
owes he has no honor in my eyes anymore and that he shouldn't bother
contacting me until he has plans to keep his word, because I detest
liars. He's contacted me today, even after I told him I had lost a
friend and didn't feel like playing games he still persisted until i
finally shooed him away. My current assessment is that he's a fetish boy
who enjoys the rush but doesn't give half a shit about me, and is a
pathological liar. Liars are scumbags who are lower than low in my
opinion. The lowest sub in the world is higher than the most dominant
liar in my opinion, because liars tend to show their true selves as
being weak.
In the long run I guess it comes down to why do good people end up
dying and bad people are allowed to keep hurting? Life is tough and I'm
not complaining, I'm just opening up.
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