short ramble post

Well last  sunday my meeting up with my potential sub fell through he got a stomach bug and couldn't meet up hopefully we'll be able to meet up in the near future as i'd really like a decent RT sub. There have been a lot of time wasters this week and family drama so i'm not exactly always rainbows and sunshine but you know thats life it has it's ups and downs. I took back at least in consideration stage a sub who decided to take off without discussion we'll see how it goes. I've come to the conclusion that there are very few finsubs on CM and more expect you to be a webcam girl sorry but i'm not a webcam girl don't like it fine there are plenty of cam girls.

I took the plunge on sunday cutting off all of my hair, mostly because of how badly my sister damaged it but it was nice having a change too kinda reminds me of being the 16 year old goth chick again i've been doing a lot of things that have reminded me of my youth lately skating having short hair stuff like that it's funny how so many things seem like they were a life time ago not even though they were just a few years ago i can only imagine what older people feel when going over old memories.

Not sure why but i've been all about second chances lately i wouldn't mind taking on new subs or anything like that lately but also rekindling older relationships with subs sometimes the familiar is awesome. As always heres my Wishlist i always like nice surprises so some surprises would be great and would make me smile.

Expectations

It's funny how I always get new messages of Fetlife and CM with the usual diatribe of "omg your so pretty hot i wanna lick/suck/touch insert random body part" heres the thing i'm a model i get paid for looking the way i do if i didn't i wouldn't get paid for shoots if your only messaging me to tell me i'm hot thanks but no thanks it's slightly irksome and makes me feel like jerk off material which just pisses me off. Conversely their are also the opposites who message me saying i'm a fatass ect if you don't like curves take a hike darling cause no one invited you or your opinion i have a waist thats a full ten inches smaller than my bust and hips (over 10 inches actually and i'm working on getting it to 20 inches but thats besides the point)  and i run 2 miles a day plus move around hay bales grain etc and a watch what i eat my body is a temple granted a temple decorated with tattoos and piercings but it's still a temple that i take care of (if you can't care for yourself how can you care for others?) it just amuses me how people who aren't brave enough to put up their own pictures are brave enough to shit talk my body i'm proud of the way i look and your just a joke to me when you are so insecure you gotta troll a stranger.

Also i've noticed a influx of Dominants viewing my CM profile which i find amusing cause i have no interest in anyone Dominant whatsoever so i am not sure if they see me as a challenge or if they just want to troll me too i rarely get messages from them anymore since i don't even read Dominant messages it doesn't really matter but i just found it slightly strange.

I've noticed subs from the past popping up in my life a lot lately thinking i must've forgotten them or that they could redeem themselves in some cases that can be true in most cases i either dropped you or you disappeared and that typically means your not easily forgiven it's not that i hold grudges (at least not always) but trust honesty and obedience are all very important to me given that i hold these values highly once trust and respect is damaged then the repairs take time to rebuild trust and respect especially if i feel betrayed hopefully this gives some insight into my mind.

I've also come up with some new fun tasks that i'll hopefully get to try out sometime soon. with a sub or two haha. I heard from my ex sub that i freed so he could find a local Mistress and he did he is still to this day one of my favorite subs and i'm so happy to see him happily serving his new Mistress i do miss him from time to time he never really said no gave me what i wanted without games and he could make me smile and blush like very few have done before or since, hopefully someday soon i'll find another sub who can bring me happiness and give me hope that not everyone has an agenda.

Remember at the end of the day pain is weakness leaving the body and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Wishlist as always make me feel like a princess <3

Out of the darkness and into the light

I seems that the last time i blogged i was in a bad space mentally getting back from there was difficult not impossible but not easy either. I am now once again in a relationship i reconciled with my ex he fixed his issues and i fixed mine now things are good again also after talking to some more subs i'm not as disheartened at some of the retardation of some people i just decided to not give into the battles and abuse given by people certain groups on fetlife mocking those funny messages i get also help. I'm happy for my life i get my stresses and havent been working as much lately but i'm overall happy.

I think the season could be a help i hate winter i feel stifled and closed in in the winter where in the warmer months i feel more active and free to do things like go hiking ride horses etc and i've always believed exorcize was a good mood stabilizer anyone who's served me for a longer period of time probably knows that as well.

so as always heres my wishlist

Stupid Stupid men

I'm getting entirely too tired of the idiotic men it's actually kinda comical how much of a joke they are. Theres the ever popular i tributed yeah right you think i wouldn't have figured out your lying your such a moron. Also to all you stupid people when you sign up on yahoo and use your real full name when you friend someone on there your full name shows up yeah imagine that everyone can see it so if your hiding from your wife or anything like that you might want to think about things like that before you get a hard on and go chasing women then freak out when i point that out and refuse to tribute yeah pissing me off when i was pointing out the obvious is soo intelligent.

So basically heres what happened this retard goes and messages me saying how much of a pay pig he is after i verify on cam he starts backing out like a little pussy and switching from being a asshole to sucking up to me what a moron if your so paranoid about your wife finding out you shouldn't put your full name to strangers then act like a jerkoff. coming off a a breakup guys treating me like crap doesn't make me a happy girl especially when i was trying to go to bed and you got me out of bed to waste my time then act like a dick yeah tends to cause pissed off blog entries.

The funny thing is how much i was able to mind fuck this guy like seriously i had him believing i was going to post his username full name town and state here so that his wife could find out it was funny to make him panic made me feel slightly better about having my time wasted but i don't like being used i'm not a total bitch and if i were his wife i wouldn't have wanted to find out my husbands a piece of shit over the internet so i'm not going to post his info but if he's gonna waste so much of my time i might as well make him squirm a little. I am sending him this link so he learns the lesson to be smarter and not lie i could have done all the things i told him i was going to do but maybe when he goes to bed with his loving wife tonight he might realize the risks he takes.

 i'm beginning to wonder if there are any good men left they lie use you or just take off trying to find someone worthwhile in a sub or in a relationship seems to be like trying to find a needle in a haystack i might've come off bitter this entry but i'm exhausted and it's been a long week and i just needing to rant about some of the bullshit going on with subs right now seems like their all liars and fakes i'm hoping someone will prove me wrong but at this point i'm unsure if thats going to happen or not.

as always heres the link to My wishlist it's been a rough couple of weeks gifts would make me feel better.

I joined CM and all i got was this stupid blog

When i was a little girl i'd collect caterpillars and feed them until the turned into pupa i had pupa all over my household in mason jars etc i often times collected them because i wanted to see what moths or butterflies they'd become. You see when i was younger i used to want to be a etymologist it was something i was obsessed over caterpillars was just simply one of my hobbies as a child, i think one of the reasons for my great interest in them though was metamorphosis. I've been thinking a lot lately in all thats been going on in my life lately with my life about metamorphosis how important it is on our journey through life only i believe people don't just have three states like a caterpillar but that people go through constant metamorphosis and i think it's important for growth and development, but conversely i often wonder if it's possible for a person to constantly grow with one person people grow apart take different paths grow disinterested not just in romantic lives but also in D/s relationships over the last few months i've gained subs and freed subs etc i just feel like sometimes life is overly complex and i miss the simple joys of watching other creatures grow up into their adult selves i think people often take youth for granted, i miss being the kid who had a kiddie pool that i bred frogs in and flooded our neighborhood with frogs other times i'm proud of who i've become as an adult.

I've been reading Marilyn Mansons book lately as well (or read it in two nights as i tend to do with books i enjoy) and the things that would have scared the 18 year old me in that book intrigued the 20 year old me who knows when i'm 25 i might be in a total different level of depravity or i might be a nun lol you never know with me i'm a extreme person. i've worked like a dog as of late since my mom broke her hip and it leaves me little time for writing these ramblings sometimes i wish i could automatically journal all of my random thoughts throughout the day so that it doesn't make it look frantic but i'm sure if ya'll got to see all of my thoughts you'd run away screaming.

the most interesting question i get asked fairly frequently from beginners and experienced kinksters alike is what my favorite kink is the truth is i don't have one (insert readers shocked face) because i'm constantly changing what i enjoy most people often say that not having a favorite is a cop out but in general why would i go to a buffet and only choose to eat steak when theres shrimp over there and ice cream and all sorts of variety granted i have my meat and potatoes kink and few limits but i think the saying variety is the spice of life is one of the most honest things i've heard in life.well i figured i'd write 2 journal entries for my thoughts but apparently my plans decided to change so instead of double post friday it'll be really long post friday.

I find it funny often times how people are in the lifestyle now not everyone but a lot of them either judge others kinks or have a elitist attitude over what makes someone dominant or submissive and what doesn't well i'm of the mind set that to each their own and what works for some might not work for others. Kink can be therapeutic i think people have a natural duality to them and most people fight the dark side but it seems like people into kin explore their darker sides flesh out what most people fear and find beauty in them. I've met people and experimented in things i never thought i would some weren't my kinks some became them but i find the dual sides people keep is interesting like the man who's alpha in his day to day life but wants nothing more than to kneel before a woman in the night, or conversely the southern girl who was raised in a religious family raised that a woman should be quiet polite and a good cook (if you havent figured out by now the second example is me and yes i am a good cook but i'm far from quiet) i have my beliefs in life and i know what i want people often assume because of my age my looks or something else that i'm not kinky enough not experienced enough or just not something enough but like beauty kink can be in the eye of the beholder.

Life like people is a complex web of everything melded together. i'm a little bit of eveything but in the bottom of everything i am me i'm a Domme i'm a southern girl a country girl with a goth side i'm a christian i'm a sinner i'm a fighter and i'm stronger than i look and tougher than i'm given credit for. i have my kinks and my limits i am a human being just like everyone else real fake or flake everyone at their core is a human being granted there are some human beings i don't want to socialize with but everyone has feelings and emotions getting to the root of that gives me a better respect for life it's why i don't send initial messages that are demanding commanding and bitchy i have that side to me but i am a human looking for other human interaction first cold blooded second i think if everyone felt the same there would be a lot less people who got their feelings injured but not everyone will think that way thats the beauty of the world different opinions and points of view.

I wish i could articulate my thoughts better but unfortunately a spot of ADD makes it difficult to stay on tangent i often find my best thoughts when i'm busying my hands cleaning or doing farm work it clears my mind enough to get my feelings and thoughts expressed but maybe it's better that i remain a mystery to everyone but myself, i find kinky people for the most part even if they fit in with society can feel like outcasts within their families their lives etc because they can't just openly say hey i'm kinky without judgment i have for the most part done this which didn't always mean kittens and rainbows sometimes it came with misunderstanding freak outs etc but now i feel more accepted. at the end of the day i'm me i'm everything good and everything bad that comes with being me i enjoy my life for what it is and i enjoy myself for what i am i might evolve and change over time but at the end of the day i am who i am and that person is kinky. I was going to title this blog entry from a maggot to a moth but thought the more sarcastic humor would be more amusing to people. as always heres my wishlist hopefully i didn't confuse the hell out of everyone i feel like this has become less blog more journal and a way to chronicle my feelings and express myself My wishlist

sadistic rant

Well when i decided to write this blog it was supposed to be a insight in my thought process and ramblings both the good the bad and the ugly well we'll see how well this post is received in comparison to my others. Tonight like almost every night that i don't see my boyfriend which is nearly all the time except weekends basically we texted and he did his usual nit picking that i don't really love him that if someone rich and handsome came along i'd leave him that i was full of shit when i said he was cute the usual. He knows these things hurt me but blames his insecurities like thats his magic fix all to wipe away the hurt he feels i've always had a extreme loyalty with him we started off as best friends we've been friends for almost 3 years before we even started dating i'm open with him about everything i even switch with him and let him take the dominant role on occasion it's just lately i feel like i'm being punished for his insecurities not sure what to do at this point but a relationship whine isn't what i'm blogging for its the emotion it breaks loose in me.

I'm tired of nurturing him cooing in his ear that i love him blah blah blah quit fucking bitching already before i decide to take a swing at you, granted i admittedly have temper issues i usually reign it in but with valentines day coming up he's not making me feel special at all and all i wanted was a romantic weekend together so now instead i kinda want to beat him within and inch of his life just for the fun of it he wouldn't let me though a gentle tap on the ass is all he allows it seems since he's mostly vanilla. Ive been wanting to take it out on subs instead but i'm conflicted about those feelings yes partially i'd be doing it because i do have a sadistic streak and enjoy that side of the lifestyle as well but is my venting through corporeal punishment of another a abuse of power? some are masochistic and enjoy it i just feel conflicted sometimes about my wants and urges i guess even for lifestylers there are still some taboos

If i were to use someone for a beating tonight i'd be honest about the place it was coming from though in the pre scene interview but in all honesty sometimes i want to push limits a lot of subs fear things like knife and needle play and those are things i find interesting both from the submissive stand point and the dominant one. I've subbed before many times it is part of who i am even though i don't consider myself a switch i've been in the subspace that things like bondage tasks and pain can bring that release of stress that clear headedness that deep inner part of you breathing deeply in a sigh as you shrug off your stress and inhibitions i also believe that there is a reverse of that a domspace for lack of a better word that the causing of pain or giving of tasks controlling your sex etc gives me makes me feel like i control another creature that your some little bunny in a cage that i could poke the bunny or pet the bunny based off my mood that freedom of control that putting all my stresses out on you is freeing.

i think thats really all i should rant about for now since it's 1:30 in the morning and the only thing that would get me out of this mood right now would be some subbie abuse or shopping therapy and i doubt either is in store for me tonight so as always heres my wishlist buy me something if you wanna help rid me of my mood

You can't buy me or my affections for that

Well first off you can't buy me at all why? i'm priceless. My affections are given to those who earn it i've got a few subs even some that aren't mine i'm affectionate towards (MM SMW BMTV) are the initials of a couple usernames of some that i genuinely enjoy talking to and flirting with. tonight though i got annoyed some random sub messaged me luckily for him i'm a lady and wont post usernames because its uncouth but he offers me 10$ as a tribute now thats fine and dandy i'd take a free 10$ if thats what you wanted to do but expecting long term servitude on 10$ is laughable i get it your broke we all are it's life but why contact a findomme if you don't have more than 10$ set aside he claimed to be looking at my profile for a while now but just then found the courage to talk to me well thats fine but i'm way more valuable than 10$ and when subs try that crap on me it makes me feel like they think thats my value it's so frustrating and thats what put me on the end of my rope he seemed like a nice enough guy but unless you have something special to offer don't come begging to me for 10$ you could probably buy something small on my wishlist for that but still if your going to do something like that don't expect to be collared or even considered for 10$ it'd be a start but a slow one.Wishlist can be found here